My Letter to you from Friday Night....

Dear Alan,

It's 5am and I haven't slept. I tried to at 2am but lying in the dark made me more awake than i'd felt all day. This week I've been an insomniac, desperately seeking sleep but not allowing myself enough hours.
It's ok, tonight I enjoy being awake. It's quiet, except for the rain, I can hear nothing. I feel like i'm the only person in the whole world who is awake and I feel blissfully alone. It's like my secret.  So I read the Time Travellers Wife again. It was nice to delve into someone else's relationship for a change. I could immerse myself in their time apart, distance, upset, fear joy etc instead of ours.

This time it's harder. This time you're away and instead of being the same, in your own environment, you're changing. That's not to say it's a bad change- it's just a necessary change-inevitable since you're doing something so remarkable and adventurous and new. You're learning more about yourself and what you want/what you're capable of.
This excites and terrifies me. When I was in China I knew my emotions. I knew myself, I understood and controlled my changing "self". I knew you stayed the same in Cork.

Now I don"t know your emotions, needs, wants. I don't know your changes and I can't control it. It may not even be a dramatic change, perhaps unnoticeable. The fear is not knowing.
I'm afraid that all of this may, potentially, lead you away from me.

We talk about your day to day but not really how you feel. It's friendly, not really loving or how we used to talk-just factual as if you were talking to Katelyn or Steve or Doc. I miss the way you used to talk to me.
We've argued about Katelyn- I know this has pissed you off. I know this has upset you and I'm in a dilemma of telling you how I feel and risking pushing you away or bottling up and resenting you.
I just wish you didn't put me in these situations- that sensitivity and understanding would factor in before these situations arise.
I don't want to tell you any of this- that everyday I feel I know you less and i'm afraid you're wanting me/loving me/understanding me less and less. It's only been three weeks and I'm already so unsure.

I know you'll tell me it'll be fine and that i'm being ridiculous. To the point that I might not even give you this letter. Although I want to show you how I feel, what goes through my head.

I don't want you to get the wrong idea, i'm not trying to be dramatic or claim you don't love me or want me. I'm trying to share with you a piece of me. My thoughts at the moment, what motivates my worries. I'm sharing with you my loneliness and fears and the reason i'm reading a book about two true lovers torn apart by time so that for an hour I'm not torn apart by it-by the fear of not knowing or being able to control how you feel. By giving you my heart-my most precious possession and being terrified everyday you're away from me that you'll forget you have my heart in your hand.

I guess I just wanted to let you know that I miss you. I miss you especially when we talk. It's then I miss you the most, the way we used to talk, the way you were to me before on the phone, loving, cute, attentive instead of now when you're just friendly or sometimes sarcastic, narky and quick to snap. It reminds me of the fight we had at the beginning of your last week in Cork with me, the way you were to me on the bus before the lunch. I'm frightened you resent me deep down but feel you've no other option but to be with me.

You're foreign to me at the moment- i'm uncertain how you feel day to day and i'm frightened of asking or bringing it up or being upset by the way you'd treat me for fear you won't get it and you'll just push me away more.

I don't even know if this is just my form of catharsis or if I plan to send it. I don't know if you'd read it the way it's intended or if you'll just see it as melodrama. Who knows.